Phil
5 memoriesA perfectly good planThe toast on the roof
ok so the roof was my idea and it was a good idea. you go up, you look at vegas, you toast the groom, you go have the night. Stu wanted to know if we were allowed up there. Stu wants to know if he's allowed to do everything. Alan put himself in charge of the drinks and I let him, because honestly it meant I didnt have to carry anything. Doug was in a great mood. first time all month he wasnt talking about centrepieces. I said this was the night we'd still be talking about in 20 years. which, fine, technically correct. last thing I remember is the glass. after that you'll have to ask someone else, and nobody else knows either.
Here's what we're going to doWaking up
woke up on the floor. mouth tasted like a parking garage. theres a chicken in the room. walking around, a chicken. theres a baby crying in the closet. I go to the bathroom and theres a tiger in there. I close the door. very calm. I tell everybody nobody opens the bathroom. honestly that was good leadership and nobody ever mentions it. Stu is screaming about his tooth. Alan finds the baby and acts like he's been waiting for him his whole life. ok. we can handle this. then I ask where's Doug. nobody knows. his phone just rings out.
Every answer was a worse questionLooking for Doug
so we work backwards. I've got a hospital bracelet, so hospital. the doctor says there was a date rape drug in my blood, which was a fun thing to hear. then a chapel, because Stu has a receipt, and it turns out Stu got married. to a woman named Jade. Stu took that about as well as you'd expect. I told him we'd sort out his wedding after we found the guy whose wedding actually matters. then the cops, then the tiger, which belonged to a famous boxer who did not find any of this funny. every place we went we found out one thing and got four new problems. I just kept us moving. thats my job. someone has to drive.
A roof. Obviously.Where Doug was
ok so in the desert the dealer says roofies and Stu starts doing his thing where he mutters to himself. then he says the roof. and look, as soon as he said it I knew. we'd been on the roof, the mattress, the whole thing. so I'm the one who got us in the car and back to caesars in record time, which honestly is the hard part. anyone can say roof. elevator took forever. door opens and theres Doug, burnt to a crisp and absolutely furious. I hugged him. I'm not a hugger. then I called Tracy back and told her we'd be there. I may have been optimistic about the timing.
I thought I was the hero of this storyLooking back
people ask me about vegas and I tell it pretty straight. we lost the groom, we found the groom, we got him to the wedding. on time. ish. yeah there was a tiger, yeah Stu got married, yeah we got tased by children. details. the point is we did it. Doug told me once what it was like up there, thinking we weren't coming. I didn't really have anything to say to that. I bought him a drink. Stu still says he figured out the roof. I let him have it now. it's easier.
